I’ll eat a sandwich if you shut up

Eat a sandwich. If you turned sideways, you’d disappear! Did you know you have chicken legs? I’m pretty sure your thigh is the size of my wrist. Aww, your outfit is cute – did you get it in the kids’ department? My dog probably weighs more than you do. Here, have some more to eat; you look like you’re wasting away.

People have actually made these comments (and many more) to me over the course of my life.

For some reason, it’s completely acceptable to comment on someone else’s weight, as long as that person is thin.

I’ve always been the skinny girl. Throughout my childhood, my mom had to dress me in clothes that were typically made for younger kids. I didn’t have to wear a bra until I was in about seventh grade because I didn’t have enough body fat to justify the need. In high school, my clothes sagged around my frame as I tried in vain to look average-sized. During my college years, I finally started to accept my body. However, this didn’t make shopping any easier for me. My friends would wear dresses that flattered their curvy bodies and jeans that hugged their rear ends. My attempts to try on those clothes always resulted in awkward baggy areas in front of my non-existent boobs, shirts that resembled Hefty bags on my willowy frame, and jeans that made me look like I had a full diaper.

I’m 25 and I still have to shop in the juniors department.

Believe it or not, we’re only related by marriage.

I know what most of you are thinking right now. (besides how awesome my Stick Stickly reference was)

“You are so lucky! Really, you shouldn’t be complaining. Oh, and by the way – you are just SO skinny!”

Ok, fair enough. Well, since we’re on the subject of weight, did you know you have cankles? Oh, and you really should cut back on the desserts. Bison aren’t native to the Midwest.

…Awkward silence. Appalled expressions. Shifty eyes around the room.

So, it offends you if I call you fat? Of course. It would be totally rude for me to make judgements about your weight, and most of all, for me to make comments out loud. I mean, clearly I have no idea how hard you’ve been working to lose those five extra pounds. I don’t know that you’ve been getting up an hour early every morning to jog before work, that you’ve been using a calorie counter app on your phone, and you’re still not getting the results you want.

Yes, that would be totally out of line for me to make those judgements.

But anyway, back to how “lucky” I am to be skinny. This summer, I started working out for the first time in my life. I’ve always tried to gain weight, but didn’t know how. Until this summer, I feasted on fast food, anything fried, candy, desserts, snacked until I went to bed, and still never gained a pound. I’ve been the same weight since I was about 18 and before that, I was about 95 pounds all the way through high school. It turns out I was going at this completely the wrong way.

One of my friends invited me to start going to the gym with her about a month ago. At first, the idea was terrifying. I had never worked out for a few reasons:

  • No one in my family is active and I had no idea what to do.
  • I was afraid I would lose weight and we all know that’s the last thing I need.
  • I was afraid that people in the gym would judge me and think, “What’s that anorexic chick doing on the elliptical? Someone get her a McDonald’s IV stat!”

However, I decided to grow a pair and tried it. I love it. It’s become addicting. Yeah, I’ve gotten a few strange looks and one guy even smirked at me as I struggled to lift 25 lbs. on the shoulder press. You know what, smirky guy? Bite me.

We’ve even gotten a personal trainer together and I’m noticing a little bit of muscle on my arms. Don’t get me wrong; I still look like I’m 15. Parents of my students still walk into the band room and ask me where the teacher is. (I was asked for my hall pass at the high school a couple years ago.)

Though small, the changes I’m seeing are encouraging. I’ve even changed my diet drastically in the last few weeks. My trainer says I have to burn some fat to gain the 12 or so pounds of muscle I need. Believe it or not, the correct way for me to gain weight is to eat the same way that someone who’s trying to lose weight does. I just have to eat about 6 times a day to balance my calorie intake with my metabolism that gives Road Runner a run for his money.

I’ve realized how hard it is to eat right. Those who are Facebook friends with me saw my status regarding the taste similarities between rice cakes and packing peanuts. Seriously – who thought that was a good idea?

One of the only things keeping me motivated is seeing Jenna Mourey’s body. If you don’t know who this chick is, you need to educate yourself via YouTube. JennaMarbles. Do it…unless you’re offended by profanity and sarcasm, in which case you shouldn’t even be reading this blog.

Maybe after working out for about five years, I could look half as good as she does.

Until then, don’t worry; I ate a sandwich today.

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About Facetious Firecracker

I observe the world and say what everyone is thinking, but is too afraid to say.

Posted on July 20, 2011, in Humor, Rants and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. “Bison aren’t native to the Midwest” Awesome! I have said some of those comments to my skinny friends and I now realize how lucky I am that they didn’t reply with a bison comparison. Excellent story, now go eat a sandwich ;-P

  2. I love it. I k now how skinny you’ve always been, but I also know you have the capability of eating like a teenage boy.

  3. I agree with Facetious wholeheartedly 🙂 I am also noticing muscles in my neck/back (which I looked up in order to not look too stupid and it’s called the “trapezius” but I decided not to use it, because I knew you would know that I didn’t know it already)

  4. Very nice job, Facetious. Good luck at the gym, I hope it helps.

  1. Pingback: No, I would not like to have vomit on my shirt. But thanks for asking. « Facetious Firecracker

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