Yes, it’s Halloween, but I wear a mask every day.

Men, I know you just don’t understand. Women, you wish men understood so they would stop harassing you.

 

What takes women so long to get ready?

 

I’m going to attempt to answer this question for my readers of the male persuasion. For the ladies, you get it. Laugh along. Up top, girlfriend. (Too much?)

 

First of all, there is a certain amount of maintenance that goes into hiding what we really look like, as women. If you saw what we really look like with no makeup and unstyled hair, you may not recognize us.

 

For example, Cameron Diaz is a beautiful woman, as shown here:

 

Cameron Diaz waving for the camera at the 2005...

Cameron Diaz (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

As any other woman does, Cameron looks quite different without makeup (especially the expensive makeup applied by professional artists):

 

(Photo credit: beautybooty411.com)

 

I am not posting these photos to poke fun at her in any way. Any woman without makeup is going to look completely different. It’s just truth. Unfortunately, there is a certain standard of appearance that women feel they have to abide by. Before I go to work, or to a party, or any event where I care about my appearance, it takes time to go through the process of getting ready to leave my house. So men, listen up, because I’m going to explain to you exactly why we take so long to get ready.

 

Yes, it takes me 20 minutes to shower. Most of us have medium length to long hair. It takes time to wash it and rinse out all of that shampoo. You think the hair is done? Oh, no. Then you re-do the process with conditioner. Meanwhile, because women are taught from a young age that body hair is an evil force that will cause us to become lonely spinsters, we have to take 5-10 minutes to remove all of that hair through the barbaric process of our choice.

 

I seriously hate showering. It’s a long repetitive process and it seems like as soon as I finish one shower, it’s time for the next. For you inventor-type people, please invent some product that will allow me to wake up and instantly be clean, a la The Jetsons.

 

Then, there is the aftermath of showering – drying and styling my hair. My hair takes somewhere around 10 minutes to dry. If I let it dry naturally, it forms into this flat, frizzy, Medusa-like wavy, hot mess. After I blow dry it, my hair still has this awkward wavy pattern that needs to be tamed. Enter the straightener. It takes another 10 minutes to run the glorious invention called a straightener through all of my hair so I can show my face in public.

 

Notice that we are now at the 40 minute mark and I’m not even dressed. At this point, I have to choose what to wear. Do I wear the sweater that’s cut so awkwardly that it makes me look more flat-chested than a ten year old? How about this one? No, the tank top that I always wear under it is dirty. How about these jeans? No, I just found a hole in the crotch. Great. Add another 10 minutes to the total.

 

Now, it’s time for makeup. Let’s just skip the whole “natural beauty” discussion and get down to it. We’re not kidding anyone. It would be wonderful if women were appreciated for how they look naturally, but it’s simply not the case. My skin is a blotchy combination of pink areas, dry flaky spots, and blemishes. I have baggy dark circles under my eyes. Enter foundation. After a coat of moisturizer and foundation, I can fool the world into believing that my skin is healthy, smooth, and evenly complected. Then come blush, eye shadow, eye liner, and mascara. My husband knows first hand that I look like a completely different person when I’m done.

 

He actually walked past me when I began this post and saw the pictures of Cameron Diaz. He was shocked when he saw her face without makeup. (He also began drooling over the other sexy pictures of her from my Google Images search and I had to kick him out of the room.) I commented that he knows how different I look before and after makeup. He started to reply, “Yeah, you look like…” but trailed off because my eyes said, “You probably don’t want to finish that sentence.”

 

Total time to get ready: one hour. I spend one entire hour of my day doing the same monotonous routines. So guys, please don’t harass us when we’re working hard to get ready. It’s because of you that we do this, after all. We could be ready in 20 minutes like you are, but we sure wouldn’t appear to your standards.

 

What do you have to say about this? I’m interested in comments from both genders.

 

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About Facetious Firecracker

I observe the world and say what everyone is thinking, but is too afraid to say.

Posted on October 30, 2011, in Introspective, Rants and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Wow. I would need a nap after that. I would then wake up and need a glass of wine and then another nap.

    I’m a big believer in low expectations so the few times I actually blow-dry my hair (happens about 6x a year) or put on lipstick (once a decade), my husband is like, wowza. He is a very, very kind soul.

    • Mine gets that way if I wear heels (which is about twice a year, tops). He doesn’t seem to understand why I wouldn’t want to subject myself to standing on the balls of my feet all day. Maybe they would understand if we had them stand on THEIR balls all day. Hmm….

  2. Holy cow! That’s a long process! Just wait until you have kids. Then you won’t have time to bother with all that. It’s a miracle that I even make it to work with 2 shoes that match, lol!

  3. My comment is that I think I’m the only girl who doesn’t go through this process.

  4. Know that I mean no offense with my opinion.

    It’s unfortunate that women have this image that is constantly shoved in their faces from the media about what they should look like. And it starts so friggin’ early. It seems to be associated with success and power. And if you don’t conform to what is being portrayed as beautiful or “in”, then you fall into the category of ugly and unsuccessful.

    Personally, I don’t care if a woman straightens her hair, wears a pony tail, mascara, hairspray, foundation or whatever else women decide they need on their face or in their hair. And any decent guy agrees with me. It’s a shame when I run into women who always give me the “You wouldn’t be saying that if you saw me in the morning” excuse. Since that is just a trained idea forced into women from said media standards.

    I know I’m in the category of “You’ll never understand”. I just don’t care that much about how people look at me. I realize that there are special occasions where getting prettied up is necessary, like a wedding or a hot date or other big events. But, to always go through the same routine day in and day out is insane. Women have it different. I understand how little girls feel pressure to conform to what they see or what is conveyed to them as being pretty or beautiful. But, when women who are older and of stronger mind still conform to such nonsense, it just boggles my mind.

    That’s my $.02.

    • I’m definitely not offended. I actually agree, even though from my post I seem superficial. On the weekends, I rarely wear makeup and I definitely value my sleep more than straight hair on work mornings. I do go through this routine any time that I know pictures will be taken or if I’m going in public.

      When girls are talking about looking for a “nice guy,” that’s really what they mean. They want someone who gets that all of this beauty routine is a sham, someone who appreciates them before all of the products.

  5. This is quite fascinating for me, owing to the fact that I am one of the three boys in my family of four (me, my brother, my dad, and then there’s my mom). The only things that I understand about this painstakingly long process of getting ready are those funny/offensive gags on the internet about how tough it is FOR A GUY to deal with women. (Disclaimer: I do not share the same opinion….yet).
    But it’s actually really interesting, because my mom actually has never gone through this type of routine before – she can get ready in a decent amount of time and is actually sometimes faster than my brother and I. She’s not one to apply makeup and her showers take maybe about 15 minutes (shoulder-length hair).
    To continue on the topic of natural beauty, this kind of thing is actually what I’ve always been used to because it’s what my mom is like. In the most disgusting and Oedipus-like way possible, I will actually admit that my mom, for a near 50 menopausal lady, is actually quite attractive, despite the fact that the never uses makeup. (Thank goodness for Internet anonymity).
    But I’m not quite so ignorant enough to completely ignore the importance of makeup, especially since I have numerous amounts of girl-dash-friends. While I’ve never actually had a relationship yet and thus never had to deal with the waiting ordeal firsthand, I imagine that I actually wouldn’t mind it all that much – if anything, I’ll just take a nap while I wait and when I wake up, I’ll see my lady walking out of the bathroom like Aphrodite emerging from the foams of the sea.

    • This isn’t something that I actually do every day – just when I’m going somewhere and I care about my appearance. I hate that I give into the whole thing because I consider myself to be a feminist and I wish women could be appreciated for their true faces, like men are. On the other side, I’m a girly-girl and I love makeup. I actually have fun getting ready because it’s like painting a canvas. I have yet to see Aphrodite emerge from my bathroom. Maybe I’m buying the wrong brand of makeup.

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