For $300, you could have a drunk person vacuum your house, too.

I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m a lazy piece of crap.


Thermometer-lazy-4 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This isn’t exactly a world-stopping revelation. In college, I would stay up until 3 am and go on 4 hours of sleep because I was too lazy to get out of my chair and go to bed. Most of my big papers were begun around 9 pm, the night before they were due. These days, I usually wait to do laundry until Husband is on the verge of turning his underwear inside out. I’m currently drinking a glass of wine from a bottle that I wrestled the cork from opened using an automatic cork remover. Yes – I pressed a button and it pulled the cork for me. It’s awesome. And let’s face it ladies – I know I can’t be alone when I say I don’t exactly shave my legs regularly during the winter. It helps to keep me warm. (Insert cringe from all male readers.) Due to laziness and lack of inspiration, I haven’t posted on here in a few months, even though the original goal was to post about once a week.

However, last night was the kicker.

I started to consider purchasing a robotic vacuum and thought, Ok, maybe I really am a slob.

It seems like a wonderful concept. You press a button and little Wanda (the name is a work in progress) goes spinning around the room, sweeping up your Cheez-It crumbs from 8 consecutive episodes of The Office last Sunday afternoon. As many reviews stated, “It looks like a drunk person vacuumed your house.” Excellent. I’m almost sold.

A friend’s review stated, “…It was mentally disabled and just kept getting stuck under things. Then it broke 6 months later. Robot vacuum fail.” Yes! Why wouldn’t I want to spend $300 on that kind of entertainment?

Admittedly, this was brought on by the fact that my sister got one of these as a Christmas/birthday gift from her fiance. (The only gift that makes the combined Christmas/birthday thing ok) She has a cat and a dog, both of which shed approximately 542 pounds of fur each hour. Naturally, I became insanely jealous after hearing her constant praise of El-Neato, and how nice it is to come home from work and hear your personal maid sweeping your bedroom.

So, my husband did what any kind, loving man does and gave me a guilt trip about wanting it.

“If you want it, go ahead and buy it,” he said. “It’s completely up to you. After all, you always get what you want. I can’t even think of the last thing that I asked for. I’m going to go outside and work, and you can decide what you want to do while I’m gone. My car jack is broken,  but if you really need this vacuum, I won’t get another one.” He even said it so sincerely, with a smile on his face.

Damn him.

All was well, though, because today I checked my phone at work and read a text from Husband which read, “I will sweep the house tonight.” And he did. Every square inch of it. He says he would rather become the vacuum than spend $300 on one that might break in 6 months. I need suggestions for a name.

Also, it’s time to go shave my legs.


About Facetious Firecracker

I observe the world and say what everyone is thinking, but is too afraid to say.

Posted on January 9, 2012, in Humor, Random Stories and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. This post was absolutely freaking hilarious. I know you wrote it in January but I had to comment. Have you been Freshly Pressed? Because every post you’ve written should be.

    • I’m beyond flattered because as far as I can tell, you’re in the “in crowd” here on WordPress. Your blog is wonderful. It’s funny that you ask, because I was FP for the first time on Monday for “What Every Music Teacher Wants You To Know.” It’s completely out of character for the rest of my blog (serious) and I don’t think all of these new followers realize what they’ve subscribed to.

      • Get out of the city! That is so cool! Congrats to you!! I’ll have to go and read your FP post now. Isn’t it funny how they FP for a post that isn’t your typical post. That has happened to me before. I was FP for technology, life, family and art . Never for humor and that’s what I do the most! I’m afraid my subscribers are pretty disappointed in me now.

        I’m not surprised you were FP. Your blog has “it”. You are such a good writer! Thanks for the comments about my blog. It’s been a long haul, two years. Started out with only my cousin reading for about six months. Only posted once in a blue moon. Now I am hopelessly stuck and addicted

      • I know what you mean! I was pumped about being FP, but I realized I’m getting all this attention for a post that is completely not what this blog is about. Oh, well. I’m hoping the followers will stick around and hopefully like what they see.
        I have the “it” factor? Fantastic! Before Monday, I averaged about 10-20 hits per day. I’m hoping being FP will give me the boost that I need to get some loyal readers.

    • well, I’ve only read a few posts and I’m already addicted to your blog. Plus you’ve got the best avatar I’ve ever seen, a cool blog title, great theme. Why….you could go places with this thing! Dream big, I always say! You most likely will be FP again and again and then you’ll be sucked into it hopelessly.Mwah haha!!! (I have no idea why I broke out my evil laugh when I just met you five minutes ago…see, you have that power over people)

      • I’m so glad you think my MS Paint skillz with a pic of my sister’s cat is great. 🙂 I’m already sucked in hopelessly, and I quite liked your evil laugh. No need to be shy here. (I have social problems, meaning I talk to complete strangers like I’ve known them for years.)

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