The tale of my avatar

My sister’s cat (who henceforth shall be known as Cat) hates me. Actually, hate probably isn’t a strong enough word. Loathe, perhaps. Or detest. Regardless of the verb one uses, it doesn’t change the fact that Cat thinks the world would be a better place if I weren’t in it. I would even safely bet that she would give up treats for the rest of her feline life if she never had to see me again.

The Cat that I speak of is the real life version of my avatar. And the reason she’s making such a horrifying face? I was trying to pet her when I took that picture. Turns out, that pose works perfectly when you want to use MS Paint to draw fire coming from a cat’s open mouth. She was only six months old when the avatar picture was taken. Now she’s over two years and is becoming crueler with age.

Here’s a recent picture of Cat.

 

I’ve never had an issue with cats before this one. In fact, I consider myself to be a “cat person.” In elementary school, I was always on the “Cats Rule, Dogs Drool” side of the argument. By the way, dogs do drool. My friend’s dog foams at the mouth every time he eats. Gross. You’ll never see a cat doing that. Well, you might, but you should probably run very far away.

Cat hates loathes me because we had a little misunderstanding about a year ago. You know how sometimes you’re teasing a friend and you think that they think it’s funny, then find out afterward that they were completely offended? It was kind of like that. Cat and I were playing a game called Make the Kitty Angry. Basically, it goes like this: You poke the cat on the back until they try to bite you. While they’re biting to the left, you poke from the right. Repeat. I used to play this game with my family’s cat when I was growing up. He would get pissed off, hiss a few times, then about an hour later he’d jump onto the couch, chirping the whole time, and sit on my lap. No hard feelings. He could take a joke.

No, really, guys. I swear he forgave me. Mom, on the other hand, isn’t so lucky.

Cat, however, does not take jokes. Only pieces of flesh.

Ever since that fateful night of teasing Cat, she’s held a grudge against me. At first, Sister and I thought it was a coincidence. Cats can’t hold grudges. After a few months, though, we had to finally admit that she hates me. Here’s a typical visit to Sister’s house:

Cat is sprawled on the table, purring. Sister pets Cat.

Cat: Meeeeeeeeeow. Rubs against Sister’s hand.

Sister’s fiance picks up Cat. Cat fluffs up her tail with glee, chirping. 

Cat: Puuurrrrrrrrreow.

Husband talks to Cat. 

Cat: Blank stare. No anger, though.

I approach Cat slowly. Hold out my hand to let her sniff. There is no danger. I only want to pet her.

Cat: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

So I leave Cat alone for an hour. Later, I walk past her on my way to the kitchen.

Cat: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I’ve been trying to make amends with Cat gradually. I offered her a treat one day. Cat walked away; Sister’s dog was happy to oblige. I rubbed Cat under her chin. She bit my hand. Sometimes I see her in her Fortress of Doom cardboard box, glaring at me from afar, surely plotting the next way to sink her fangs into my flesh.

Husband asked me today during lunch if I practice sorcery, as part of his habit of asking random questions with no meaning.

“No,” I replied, “because if I did, Sister’s Cat wouldn’t hate me.”

“You know the Egyptians worshiped cats,” he added.

“Exactly,” I said. “Because cats are cooler than dogs.”

“No, it’s because dogs weren’t invented yet,” he quipped.

He was serious.

WHAT.

 

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About Facetious Firecracker

I observe the world and say what everyone is thinking, but is too afraid to say.

Posted on July 24, 2012, in Humor, Random Stories and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 28 Comments.

  1. You know what they say – dogs think that you’re their God because you feed them, shelter them and love them; cats think that they’re God because you feed them, shelter them and love them. 😀

  2. My friend Chris’ cat hates me. Every time we’re over his house to hang out, eat barbecue and watch movies, that douchey she-bitch perches herself on the back of his chair in the TV room and glares hatefully at me. And each time I’ve gotten up to walk by, she lashes out in an irrational rage, all hisses and claws. She is the only cat who reacts this way to me. I’ve also always considered myself a cat person (and I’ve used that “cats rule, dogs drool” mantra many times!) We adopted a dog two years ago, and he’s my pal. I love that goofy weirdo. But my two cats are my girls 🙂

  3. I love this backstory to your gravatar. Is there something you can do to maybe bury the hatchet with Cat? Buy her some catnip? Get her stoned then feed her treats? I suppose a cat never forgets anything, though. I’ve had both cats and dogs in my life and I don’t think dogs can remember what happened 10 seconds ago.

    • I’ve been trying. All of my attempts to please her end in bites to the hand. The dog, however, loves me, as long as she’s allowed to lick my shins. There are drawbacks to Dog’s unconditional love.

  4. Admit it: you’ve ruined it with Cat and it’s all your fault. No amount of hand-fed pepperoni will fix this mess. However, I forgot how hilarious those photos of her are. It’s important to point out that the way you took those photos was by pissing her off, and that was BEFORE the infamous “Make Kitty Angry Game” even occurred. You’ve had it coming.

  5. Wow. Those pictures are incredibly. I feel like I’ve been swiped in the face just looking at them.

  6. Increatible story. What a face she’s got in the picture.

  7. It is sad to be hated by a cat. No creature can make you feel less human.

  8. Good luck making amends with the cat! (Definitely looks mean in the picture!)
    And LOL-ing at this comment –> “No, it’s because dogs weren’t invented yet,” he quipped. Lol, invented.

  9. I’ve been wondering what exactly your gravatar was for the longest time….. and now I know. I’m a cat person too but I’ve always felt like I had to be extra careful around them. I remember my friend’s cat only condescended to let me pet her once or twice before she had enough and stalked away. Talk about high and mighty….. best of luck making peace with Cat!

  10. microcheesehead

    Our 23 year old cat thinks I’m her very own cat tree, and when I’m not being useful loves to try to get in between my legs and trip me when I’m at the top of the stairs.

  11. The only way to get a cat that hates you to at least like you is to… ignore that cat. Then it’ll get interested and have a look at you. 😉

  12. Guess we can theorize that every one has a corresponding hating cat assigned to them. Will eventually play out as an episode of victimization(cat on man)as result of an honest misunderstanding or maybe as an imposition of natures twisted sense of humor. I hope the latter is wrong because i’ve never stepped on a cat’s toes,sorry-paws. Will i eventually be united with my catty nemesis? This is the thing i need to know. To be fore-warned is to be fore-armed. Nice work,this post!

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