Category Archives: Rants
morning afternoon when I woke up and logged into Facebook, I was greeted by a notification:
“[Anonymous friend] has invited you to play Farmville2.”
I navigated to my Apps Requests page to clear the invitation and saw that she had invited me to play this stupid game 29 TIMES. Yes. Twenty-nine. Times. Somehow, in the last 28 times when she received no response, her immediate reaction was to click “invite” one more time. At this point, I sort of felt bad for her. Was this like the time in middle school when the popular girl was having a party and she held onto the fleeting hope that she might be invited, just this once? It also made me recall the time a few years ago when one of my students friend requested me on four separate occasions. Shortly after that, I became unsearchable on Facebook.
The Apps page of Facebook is the one place I typically avoid at all costs. I find 99% of the games and other apps to be a complete waste of time and brain cells. Unbelievably, I learned that there’s an app called “Obama 2012” while I scrolled down the page. Seriously? Yeah, because an app is going to convince my staunchly Republican family members to vote for Obama. Right.
There was a tab at the top of the page where I could view the “Top Grossing” apps. Hold the phone. People pay actual money to play these inane games on Facebook? You’ve got to be kidding me. Why would I pay money to be entertained when all I have to do is view the status updates or “jobs” of some of the people I keep on my friend list for the sole reason of entertainment? High school acquaintances are great fodder for that particular area. If we haven’t spoken in the last month either online or in person, chances are, I’m laughing at you, not with you. Feel free to use the “unfriend” link as you wish. Based upon my suggested friend list, some of them have already realized this on their own.
It’s hard to believe they didn’t want me to be able to view such classic updates anymore, such as:
“Gonna go to work now.”
“Bby daddy be here n a few n i gotz 2 get bby grrl up n dresed. y do i have so mch drama. u no i hat teh drama.”
“Home from work now. Going to bed.”
“Going to work again.”
But, back to the money thing. Apparently, there are millions of you on the interwebs who spend your precious, hard-earned money on this:
It was under the “Top Grossed” tab. 51 million people play this game and I’m going to assume 90% of them couldn’t tell you one real fact about farming. They sit in their 500 square feet apartment, surrounded by noise and buildings, and harvest their cartoon crops. But it’s 3D! I can almost feel the adorable animals through my screen!
Here’s an idea. How about you get a REAL adorable animal, like this one?
She’ll keep you so entertained, you won’t have time to send me 29 requests to play Farmville2.
Men, I know you just don’t understand. Women, you wish men understood so they would stop harassing you.
What takes women so long to get ready?
I’m going to attempt to answer this question for my readers of the male persuasion. For the ladies, you get it. Laugh along. Up top, girlfriend. (Too much?)
First of all, there is a certain amount of maintenance that goes into hiding what we really look like, as women. If you saw what we really look like with no makeup and unstyled hair, you may not recognize us.
For example, Cameron Diaz is a beautiful woman, as shown here:
As any other woman does, Cameron looks quite different without makeup (especially the expensive makeup applied by professional artists):
I am not posting these photos to poke fun at her in any way. Any woman without makeup is going to look completely different. It’s just truth. Unfortunately, there is a certain standard of appearance that women feel they have to abide by. Before I go to work, or to a party, or any event where I care about my appearance, it takes time to go through the process of getting ready to leave my house. So men, listen up, because I’m going to explain to you exactly why we take so long to get ready.
Yes, it takes me 20 minutes to shower. Most of us have medium length to long hair. It takes time to wash it and rinse out all of that shampoo. You think the hair is done? Oh, no. Then you re-do the process with conditioner. Meanwhile, because women are taught from a young age that body hair is an evil force that will cause us to become lonely spinsters, we have to take 5-10 minutes to remove all of that hair through the barbaric process of our choice.
I seriously hate showering. It’s a long repetitive process and it seems like as soon as I finish one shower, it’s time for the next. For you inventor-type people, please invent some product that will allow me to wake up and instantly be clean, a la The Jetsons.
Then, there is the aftermath of showering – drying and styling my hair. My hair takes somewhere around 10 minutes to dry. If I let it dry naturally, it forms into this flat, frizzy, Medusa-like wavy, hot mess. After I blow dry it, my hair still has this awkward wavy pattern that needs to be tamed. Enter the straightener. It takes another 10 minutes to run the glorious invention called a straightener through all of my hair so I can show my face in public.
Notice that we are now at the 40 minute mark and I’m not even dressed. At this point, I have to choose what to wear. Do I wear the sweater that’s cut so awkwardly that it makes me look more flat-chested than a ten year old? How about this one? No, the tank top that I always wear under it is dirty. How about these jeans? No, I just found a hole in the crotch. Great. Add another 10 minutes to the total.
Now, it’s time for makeup. Let’s just skip the whole “natural beauty” discussion and get down to it. We’re not kidding anyone. It would be wonderful if women were appreciated for how they look naturally, but it’s simply not the case. My skin is a blotchy combination of pink areas, dry flaky spots, and blemishes. I have baggy dark circles under my eyes. Enter foundation. After a coat of moisturizer and foundation, I can fool the world into believing that my skin is healthy, smooth, and evenly complected. Then come blush, eye shadow, eye liner, and mascara. My husband knows first hand that I look like a completely different person when I’m done.
He actually walked past me when I began this post and saw the pictures of Cameron Diaz. He was shocked when he saw her face without makeup. (He also began drooling over the other sexy pictures of her from my Google Images search and I had to kick him out of the room.) I commented that he knows how different I look before and after makeup. He started to reply, “Yeah, you look like…” but trailed off because my eyes said, “You probably don’t want to finish that sentence.”
Total time to get ready: one hour. I spend one entire hour of my day doing the same monotonous routines. So guys, please don’t harass us when we’re working hard to get ready. It’s because of you that we do this, after all. We could be ready in 20 minutes like you are, but we sure wouldn’t appear to your standards.
What do you have to say about this? I’m interested in comments from both genders.
Hey you. Yes, you. Driver from Ohio. It’s time for us to have a little chat.
You see, for quite a while I’ve been meaning to write about this particular frustration of mine and I’m finally feeling inspired, so get ready. For some reason, approximately 50% of Ohio drivers have no clue how to work these things we call automobiles.
Let’s start with turn signals. The purpose of a turn signal, in case you aren’t aware, is to give the other drivers some notice that you’re going to slow down. Putting on your signal as you’re halfway through your turn DOES NOT HELP ME. I don’t give two flying geese whether you’re going left or right. Actuate that bugger about 200 feet before you have to turn so I don’t plow into your backside. I think we’d both appreciate that. While I have your attention, non-turn-signal-user, let’s talk about lane changes. Use it. Just do it. If flipping the turn signal lever is so exhausting to you, we have bigger problems to discuss than this. What if I’m getting into the middle lane and I don’t know that you’re going to do the same thing? I promise that I will punch you in the back of your head if you hit me for that reason.
Our next lesson involves an Ohio law that for some reason, many of you struggle with. Are we all aware that it is law to have your lights on when you have your wipers on? Driving in the rain with no lights on is about as intelligent as brushing your teeth with battery acid. Part of that same law requires you to get in the other lane when a tow truck or police officer is on the side of the road. Seriously. You don’t need to pass me on the right just because I won’t go 75 mph. I’m trying to avoid going to jail because I ran over a cop, you nincompoop.
Okay. Speed. There is no reason that you need to go 80mph unless someone in your car is about to give birth. When both lanes are moving at 65 during rush hour, driving .75″ from my bumper is not going to magically give me the ability to make the semi in front of me disappear. What’s your freaking hurry, anyway? Are you not happy with your current fuel mileage? You need to go 80 so you get even less for your money? Weaving back and forth between people is not getting you there any faster, either. Most of the time when I follow someone who’s doing that, we end up about 2 cars apart at the exit ramp. I’m so glad that you risked your life and everyone’s around you so you could get to your destination 10 seconds earlier. You get a cookie and a gold star.
STOP. TEXTING. If you kill me, I will haunt you forever by singing the Song That Never Ends. And it will never end.
Here is how merging (during rush hour when we’re barely moving) is supposed to work: just like in kindergarten, we take turns. We let someone from the ramp in, then we go and so on. Semi trucks are big. They need room to get in. Don’t be a dick. Leave some space and let them in. I guarantee if that dude loses his cool, his truck will run right over your SUV. You will lose. The main point is that people need to quit being rude and try being courteous on the road for once. We’re all adults. Try to act like it.
Rain does not equal temporary amnesia of driving skills. Every time it rains, there are about 5 wrecks in our area. Slow down, don’t be an idiot, turn on your lights as mentioned before, and leave some space in front of you. Not difficult. Go on with life.
On a similar note, you can NOT drive the same way in snow as you can on dry roads, in case you hadn’t noticed. Freaking out because you’re sliding on that black ice doesn’t do any good, nor does slamming on your brakes and turning the wheel. Every year, the freeways look like the Winter Olympics bobsled competition. Most of the people chilling in the ditches are there because of stupidity.
So, to sum it up:
1) Use your signal.
2) Quit being an impatient jerk.
3) Don’t be an idiot.