Husband is ridiculous

Nearly every day, Husband does or says something that creates a black hole of “REALLY??” in my thought process. I’ve decided to document these events, so check back regularly for more.

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We were eating pretzel sticks on the couch while watching Frasier one night. Husband had the bag on his lap, so I stuck out my hand and asked for some. He handed me one, as he continued to nibble off the salt from his pretzels before eating them. One friggin’ pretzel stick. So, of course, I had to hold out my hand about every 5 seconds. Every time, he would hand me another one, while nibbling off the salt from his. Finally, I noticed that mine seemed a little….moist. And not salty.

Me: “You did NOT just feed me a pretzel that you’ve already nibbled.”

Husband: *cackles and kicks feet on the couch* “Want another?”

Maybe this is why women typically do the cooking

I came home one Friday night around 1 am from a long day at work. Husband was asleep on the couch and on the floor was an empty packet of instant oatmeal. No bowl in sight. I poked Husband to tell him he needed to go to bed.

Me: “What did you have for dinner, anyway?”

Husband: “Oatmeal.”

Me: “I can see that, but where’s the bowl?”

Husband: “Oh, I just ate it from the packet, dry. I like it that way. I don’t like to cook.”

How men do the laundry

Husband came inside from working in his man-shop one afternoon and announced that he had spilled a substantial amount of gasoline on his sweatshirt. He planned to put said sweatshirt in the laundry basket and soil all of his other clothes.

Me: “There is no way I am running that much gas through our washer. You’re just going to have to wash that by hand.”

Shortly afterward, he quarantined the shirt to the outdoors to be washed by the rain. In other words, that shirt will lie on the ground for months until I force him to either bring it inside or throw it away.

UPDATE: The shirt was on the driveway for about 5 months. I eventually coerced him to bring it inside and put it in the hamper. He still wears it.

How to drink a beer

Husband is notorious for pouring a beer, then not drinking it. We had some friends over and Husband successfully finished one beer. I saw him pour another when the night was winding down.

Me: “You’re not going to drink that.”

Husband: “Sure I will.”

The next morning, I woke up to find the glass of beer completely full with the bottle next to it, still sitting in the living room.

The most dangerous way to water a tree

We planted about 60 trees along our property line, with hopes that in a few years we won’t have to stare at the freeway that’s 100 feet from our house. Husband installed an irrigation system in order to make the watering process easy. In order to get the hose to the irrigation line, he needed to run it through an 18-inch drainage pipe that goes under the driveway.

Apparently, he was having some trouble getting the hose to the other end of the pipe, so his brilliant idea was to crawl inside an 18-inch pipe. Yes, he fit.

About halfway through, he realized he was nearly stuck and began to panic. Obviously he did get out, but I definitely had a facepalm moment when he later told me about his brush with death.

The great fro-yo challenge

We went to one of those Magical Extravaganza of Frozen Yogurt places where they weigh your cup and charge you by the ounce. Husband had just gorged himself on a Fiery Ghost Burger from Red Robin (yes, that’s the actual name), so he didn’t want much for dessert. So, he did what any normal customer would do and decided to create a challenge for himself. He decided to try to get as close to one ounce of frozen yogurt as possible.

At the counter, the cashier weighed it. “That’s 58 cents,” she giggled. “That’s the smallest price I’ve ever seen here.”

A science lesson

Husband and I were driving home and I commented on how neat the crescent moon looked.

“Why do you only see part of the moon and other times, you can see more of it?” Husband asked.

“You don’t remember from school about how the Earth’s position relative to the moon blocks the sun’s light?”

“You mean, that’s light from the sun that’s making the moon glow? I thought it glowed by itself!”

And so, the music teacher taught a science lesson.

  1. Hahaha oooo i live men!! definately sounds like husband and mine 🙂

  2. Damnit i love men…. its been a loooong day at work

  3. Husband sounds like my kind of guy (strictly platonic).

  4. Okay, you and I must be kin. I have an entire area of my blog devoted to my husband’s beekeeping and how I suffer. 🙂

  5. My husband is bad about picking things up that he finds outside. Which is how I know that sweatshirts left outside should always (ALWAYS) be thrown away. They never come clean. I see this post is from last year. How long did he leave it outside.

  6. Sounds like mine would be guilty of… 😀

  7. Something, sorry. I just read the pretzel story to him, and he admitted as much. 😛

  8. Ha! My sister just directed me to your blog! Laughed so hard. Reminded me of the fact that I required my husband to drink out of plastic cups for nearly five years because he always put them down on the floor by the couch, then fell asleep. Every time he awoke, he’d stand up and break the glass. Drove me nuts.

  9. HIlarious. I know so little about men and I find this all so informative. I truly do not understand men at all.

  10. Just to even the odds for husband, I need to point out that your statement that “the Earth’s position relative to the moon blocks the sun’s light” is inaccurate. The earth does block the light from the sun sometimes, and those occasions are known as lunar eclipses. They are not all that common. The daily change in the amount of moon that we see does have to do with the earth’s position, but it is not because the earth is blocking the sun’s light. The moon is always around 50% illuminated (except during eclipses). What changes is how much of the illuminated moon we are seeing. At a full moon, we see all of the illuminated part. At a half moon, we are seeing half of the illuminated part and half of the dark part (except that we don’t actually see the dark part because it’s … well … dark).

    And so, the music teacher learned a science lesson from a theology teacher who plays tuba and banjo (but not at the same time).

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